Hello, Mercy, I have been searching for you lately

I wrote the following at least a year ago. Maybe it's been two.

________________________________________________________

My hobby while driving has become to hold down the seek button until I land on a song that catches my fancy.
Yesterday, I paused briefly on a station and heard the beginning twang of this song, and was completely taken.
The first line just really struck me.



To be honest, I haven't listened to much Christian music lately. I've never been too into the mainstream stuff, anyway, but for a little while I've had a hard time even listening to hymns on my ipod-- reminded of people who hold their hands up high and bellow the tune, looking extremely spiritual and connected to God, and yet they'll turn around and twist any messages God has left for us, manipulating in God's name to gain control for themselves. Even the words of some songs, I just think, "Ugh, the implications when people take those themes out of context."

And a lot of the "Christian" life has been like that for me. I just need distance from the hypocrisy and lies and traditions of men held up simply for the sake of it. I need fresh air, and I just want to find the truth.
I'm not going to say that this song totally spoke to me or something like that, but aside from the fact that I absolutely love the sound of it (reminds me a bit of Plain White Ts), some of the words struck me.

As I was driving along and listening, he sang,

"Saying, 'so long,' been lost, been gone
Not sure what to pray."

I have said, "So long," to so much.
I've been sifting through all I've ever known, and going down to the bare bones and the absolute basics of what I believe. Everything is being scrutinized. It's slow going, and sometimes I'm lazy and maybe not searching as intently as I could, but it's where I am. It's the path I'm on.

Been lost.
I haven't been lost lost, in the sense that I'm sure the artist meant, but I've been wandering around, not sure exactly where I'm going. I know that I'm focusing on The Truth. And that's why I'm not scared, nor do I feel lost.

And I've been gone. I checked out, like I said, from half of "Christianity." I've seen both sides of the swinging pendulum, and neither of them are pretty or right. Sometimes I don't even have the energy to stand up to or combat in my mind the wrong thinking that I'll hear, so I've just walked away. I feel like, yeah, I'll come back and inspect that later when I'm up to it.

And most days, praying is a struggle. Not sure what to pray.

"It's not easy but I know You see me
When I lose my way
I keep on floating not knowing
If there is more for me
Don't want to sink beneath waves of negativity
I'm going under,
I'm afraid that I might drown
If this is real,
I need you now."

________________________________________________________


This was a post about change, and so much more has changed even since then.
I wrote then that it was a struggle to listen to hymns-- I don't remember when the last time I listened to one was. Why was I trying to force myself to listen to them?
[See my sister's awesome post: Mr. Walrus, Said the Carpenter]
I don't force myself to pray any more, either. It surprises me when it does happen, because it's truly spontaneous, and usually very simple.
"God, help the poor. Help the needy and the helpless. Warm those who are cold. Feed those who are hungry. Shelter those who are homeless."
The other night I was lying in bed and it was, "God, I'm thankful for what I have. I really have a great life."
That's it.

Hello, Mercy.
It still strikes me.

There It Goes: Two Thousand Twelve

Post-5k. We look so good, right?

Oh hey, blog, what's up?

Let me start this out by stating that I went brunetter the other day. It's kind of a big deal.

But seriously, 2012 was a pretty big year for me. I can't believe it's over. I'm not sad to see it go though; it's been a good one and 2013 is promising.

I moved out of my family's home at the end of the summer. This is my first time out of the house. Sheer convenience as far as expenses and all that fun stuff, and the fact that I love my family, had kept me there this long, but the convenience factor was becoming less and less. Now I live 8 minutes away from work instead of 28, and that fact alone has changed so much for me. I fill up my gas tank maybe once every other week instead of once or twice a week. Not having that drive has seems like it's freed up so much time. Maybe it's just a mental thing. Because if you do the math, it's only 40 minutes. But, I feel so much more productive. I go to the gym pretty regularly, and that feels great. I ran my first 5k on Thanksgiving; boom. (Also bought those pink, PINK tennis shoes this year. At the urging of my brother (left). My fashion sense is evolving.)

I finally started college last semester! I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, but I figured if I didn't go back in that time frame, I probably never would. A few months into it, and I suddenly had a moment where I just decided and now know what I want to do with my life (while visiting my best friend in Reno; maybe that had something to do with it? I missed her and she inspired me? Maybe.). I'm gonna be a high school math teacher. I'm excited for it. I've always thought about teaching, but for some reason dismissed it. I'm just really glad to have a sense of direction.

Joe of Incongruous Circumspection and his 6 kiddos and wife went on a road trip through Colorado this summer, and on a whim I invited them to my family's home to stay. My mom is awesome. Their van broke down and we got to spend even more time with them while they waited a few days for it to be fixed.
His kids are frikin' adorable and each and every one of them have dynamic personalities, and his wife, Kristine, is just an amazing human being. Joe is just crazy; that is all.








  Jack stole my heart. I'm not so sure the feeling was mutual. But he did insist that I come home from work when I had to leave, so that was nice.






















 Felicity: the reason why people are suckers for kids in glasses.


I don't always invite strangers from the internet into our home, but when I do, it's a good idea.

 Even before I moved out, it wasn't like I was spending tons of time with my family, between all of our crazy work and school schedules. But it is different, not being under the same roof. Time with the little ones is even more precious. And so we take webcam pics.

 Fourth of July. We got a good profile pic. haha.
This sister also moved out around the same time, and in with our grandparents, about an hour away, for school. We skype. We're cool.




Oh, no big deal. Just me totally DOMINATING in Apples to Apples with my family.

Brother graduated in May. Good job, or whatever, I guess.
=)

Random friend of Andrea's, wearing suspenders. We all just look pretty good, so I obviously had to post this.

 I love my sister, Andrea, so much. We've roomed together since she was born, and she even moved out with me and we still share a room. Anyway, anyone who knows anything knows how awesome she is.
This year, I've almost become a Whovian, thanks to her. I still feel like a bit of an outsider, because there is a depth of dedication and love there that I don't know that I can reach, just because of my personality. But I feel like I belong.
And you know what, if you don't know what I'm talking about, then that is just too bad for you.

Oh also, this happened.
Met a guy.
Well, met him two years ago. But I don't remember if we even spoke then. I've seen him two or three times since, and this last time, he was like, "Wanna get dinner or something tonight?" And I said, "Wellll...." for an unreasonably long time. But I'm glad I said, "Yeah," after that.

(edit 2/7/13: Well, that is now over. Just for the record. haha. This is why I don't go facebook or anywhere else online official; then you gotta revise it when you're done.
Also just for the record: nothing bad happened. It's all goood, just over. Kay?
I may now be obligated to do a follow up post. haha =) )

I'm excited for 2013. I didn't make any resolutions. I might try to run a half marathon. And just keep working towards my goals that I always have.

For you, friends, may the coming year be filled with joy, love, and lots of laughter. Surround yourself with people that make that possible. Be the person who makes that happen for others. Remember that you matter. No matter where you are, what your job is, what your position in life is, you can and do make a difference.
I hope your year is peaceful. I hope that you prosper personally. I hope you're happy, and I hope that even when things are rough, you have somewhere to turn, and someone to smile with.

Can't Carry It With You

It's 11:07pm and my body has been telling me to go to bed since 8.
But I had homework. So you know how that goes. (Obviously, go to bed on all days except when the thing is actually due. Which was tonight, unfortunately.)

Anyway, I just wanted to drop a note on the fact that I have hidden all my posts that I'd written about what I'd gone through in what I would still call a cult.

I've hidden them indefinitely because I have moved so far on. I don't even think about it anymore, and I think I even try to block some of the thoughts. It's tiring to go back at all.
And I don't want that to be me anymore. I have no problem talking about these things, and I'll tell people a very condensed version of what happened, but right now I'm just not comfortable having that out there for all to see. I'm not anonymous here.
That series was just starting to feel like baggage. I will still definitely write about issues I care about, and random things like horoscopes and reasons I hate customers.

But for now, good night, small band of readers.
I hope to be back soon.

Horoscopes and You. Er, Mainly Me.

I have a best friend. I've mentioned her a few times here. Eirinn. We worked in the same building, and sorta became close the day she was leaving to move back to Indiana. And then three weeks later, she moved back. Just because. That's how she is. And we were like, instant buds when she got back. While she was gone, she had bought a ticket to go visit her friend in France. We were talking about it while hiking, and decided I'd go with. I bought my ticket the next day. It was the most impulsive thing I've done, and I'll never regret it. (And I feel like it was another turning point in my life.) Ah, such amazing times! But, Europe and back packing adventures are for another post. The point is, we've done a lot together. She moved again recently. I think I mentioned driving with her out to San Francisco.
We are kindred spirits. Soul mates, really. The other day, I stated that I believe in soul mates, and my sister laughed at my amendment: "Multiple soul mates." Kindred spirits, ya know? People you deeply connect with.

Anyway, Eirinn's birthday is May 23rd.

Mine is January 23rd.

The only thing I ever really thought about that was the fact that I should never forget her birthday. Too easy to remember. Same number as mine, same month as another good friend of mine.

And then one day Eirinn mentioned that her best friend growing up's birthday was July 23rd.

WHAT.

That is the day that I started believing that this stuff couldn't be some odd coincidence.

All of us being born on the same day of the month? All so similar, all so awesome? There's gotta be something there.

Right, amirite?

I've always turned my nose up at horoscopes and such. They seemed so vague, that of course they'll apply to you in some way.

"Today, take chances. Follow your dreams, but focus on reality. You may find yourself drawn to talking it out with friends. It may be a very busy day. Find time for you."

Yeah, yeah.

But after the discovery of Eirinn's other bff's birthdate, I became way more interested in all that stuff.

ALSO, not but a few days later, I went out with this guy who's birthdate was

also

May 23rd.

I almost spit my water (okay, margarita) out.

WHAT.

I was like, "Hey, wait, what? WE ARE SOUL MATES."

I think it came out, "Really? Because my birthday is January 23rd."

And he said, "Have you seen that movie '23'?"

No. I haven't.

He also had red hair, which was weird because Eirinn's a red-head.

Anyway. There was a second date. But. As many of you may have gathered-- I'm maybe a little flighty or something. Or I'm afraid of like, commitment? Or hurting someone again? Or being tied down in any way?

Anyway-- now is not the time. (Who has seen Father of the Bride? Remember Frank? In a rush, he paused to contemplate, "Hmm, I could really change this room... No, now is not the time!")

So, I started reading things about my birthdate, like any sane person would do.

I came across this link first:  January 23 Birthday Astrology

I gobbled it up.

"Aquarians born January 23 are hard-headed realists whose personas reflect a strong, silent type. They have a toughness about them that's laudable and useful: They seem to handle anything. Inside, though, they're tender souls. Often put in the position of role model, they do not generally regard their conduct as anything special.

Friends and Lovers

January 23 natives enjoy the social elements of friendship. They make gentle, caring lovers. They have an aversion to commitment, though it's not uncommon for them to enter a long-term relationship or marriage when they find someone who shares their views.

Children and Family

January 23 people have pride in their family background. Many of the ideals and traits they exhibit were absorbed from their family. When they become parents, they may feel pulled between providing discipline and endorsing a more liberated parenting style.

Health

People born on January 23 like to do things their way. They don't take kindly to health or nutritional advice. An annual visit to a health-care professional should not invalidate their independence. Because of the sensitivity of their systems, they should shun smoking and drinking.

Career and Finances

Like many Aquarian people, January 23 natives are not the sort who can work at a job they find boring or uncreative. They have a potential to earn a good deal of money, though they usually spend it faster than they make it. Friends and relatives are often the beneficiaries of their generosity.

Dreams and Goals

Not having to pretend they are something they aren't is a major goal sought by January 23 people. They are motivated to achieve career success and may not realize until late that they also want personal stability. They want to be the best at what they do. They take criticism well and are able to look at themselves objectively."

I was gaping as I read this. "Wha, wha, whattttt....."
Too detailed; not just one of those, "You are are nice person, deep down. People may not understand you fully. You are sometimes outgoing; sometimes shy." 

I've always labeled myself as an optimistic realist, which my sister believes in a blatant contradiction. Not so!
It's crazy that they mentioned the parenting thing, too, because I know my view of parenting has changed a lot. I would do things differently than my parents did. They're doing things differently than they did.

Don't take kindly to health or nutritional advice-- not true. haha that's where I'm all, "Tell me what to dooo..."

Haha, and the aversion to commitment thing? What did I JUST say?? This was also days after I had written my "settling" blog and was still thinking about that. Haha. But, notice that I'll probably enter into a long term relationship or even marriage when I find someone who shares my views.

(Can we talk about this for just a second more? I'm still getting over the fact that I, Miss Marriage Advocate, Miss Date-With-Only-Marriage-In-Mind-And-Hopefully-Marry-Young am the very one to suddenly realize, "Hey... that's not what I want any time soon.")

There's more.
From this site, I found these snippets:

People born specifically on the 23rd of January are believed to be idealists who certainly live up to their radical and rebellious Aquarian zodiac sign description. The ruling astrological planet for this particular day is Mercury creating personalities that are innovative and versatile. You are quite sociable and friendly and the bit of rebel in your nature makes you an entertaining, fun and loyal friend. If you have this birthday you have humanitarian views but tend to still be able to retain your emotionally detached aura in certain circumstances. You have a hypothetical mind that is quick and witty but some people may describe you as slightly eccentric, with some of your ideas and ways of doing things.

Like... pretty spot on. But eccentric? Mehh.

On work and finances:
Career choice is much more important to a person born on the twenty third of January than its level of financial rewards. You have a low threshold for boredom and so require work that is varied or where you get the chance to use your versatility. You like meeting interesting people and occupations that involve helping others. When it comes to finances you often have a habit of spending your income quicker than you can generate it. You can be a little too generous with your money and this sees you sometimes struggling to balance your budget. 

Yeah! This is why I had to get out of banking and back into coffee making and up into management. I gotta be moving around. I gotta be doing something. I want to be helping people. I want to light up their day.

On Personal Relationships 
For a Aquarian, the person born on the twenty third day of January is fairly warm and ebullient about love and relationships. Although you cannot be described as romantic or overly demonstrative with your feelings you enjoy the emotional security of personal relationships. Your slight fear of intimacy does not put you off searching for a committed soul mate partnership. To your partner you are loving and affectionate and as you seem to value loyalty so highly you will rarely stray when in a long term commitment. You are a gentle, unselfish and intuitive lover who is usually shy initially but openminded and understanding of your partners needs. You will seek someone who shares your views and interests but also has plenty of their own. This is because intellectual stimulation is more often than not a necessity to keep you feeling reassured and emotionally contented. 

Yep, yep, yes.

Strengths and Weaknesses 

Your main strengths of character are probably in the ways you express your individuality and how you use your inventive mind to solve problems. These particular characteristics and your friendliness make you fun to be with and nice to know. Your compassion for others, kindness and generosity will also gain you many friends in life. Perceptible personality weaknesses for those born on January 23rd are your occasional tendencies to become self involved and hermitlike. If you have unresolved things on your mind you can sometimes become somewhat preoccupied and want to be alone to gather your thoughts independently.

Fairly accurate, I think. Although I'm too emotionally needy to become hermit-like.
And inventive mind... I never would have thought of it, but the other day I did temporarily fix the ice machine by taping a cup to it. Ghetto, but whatever. "... How did you think of that?" my manager said.

Dreams and Goals 
Being born on the 23rd of January bestows you with a wonderful imagination but it also usually makes you a realist. This contradictory blend of qualities in your nature allows you to set goals for yourself that are imaginative yet easily attainable with a little effort. Many of your dreams and aims in life may be centered around family as this is where you tend to have acquired your ideals for fulfillment. You also dream of quenching your curiosity for historical eras by hoping to travel to and discover different places and cultures. You are able to talk about your aspirations freely and often do. 

There it is again; the optimistic realist.
My dreams and aims are definitely centered around family and those I love. I cannot make a decision for myself without thinking of them.
I decided a few days ago that if I never do get married and have my own kids, I want to be the awesome benefactress who helps my nephew get his first car, and things like that. So, seriously, that's where my career goals are. How can I get to the point where I just have money to help people? That is what I'm working towards. Even if I have my own kids to take care of and provide for, I want to be able to help out and do good where I can beyond that sphere.

Birthday Luck and Significance 

As you were born on the twenty third day of the month your date of birth has the digits two and three. This equates to a birthday Root number of Five and this numerical reference has the keyword 'Inquiry' and emphasizes the way you like to question and study our history. The Tarot card with a connection to your birthday is the 5th card in the Major Arcana known as the Hierophant and is a symbol of understanding. It appears to symbolize your strong compassionate character. The gemstone luckiest for January the twenty third birthdays is the sparkling Diamond bringing luck, wealth and courage to its wearer.

Yeah, don't really care about history at all. haha.
But I'll take that diamond for good luck. Sure, why not.

After I finished looking myself up and being mind-blown by it, I of course did the next logical thing and started looking up the birthdays of others.
Eirinn's was such an accurate portrayal of her.

"Geminis born May 23 are known for their sense of humor and sense of style. They are fun-loving, free-thinking people who enjoy life on their terms. They embody a youthful attitude that corresponds to their youthful good looks."

So deeply true.

The weird part for me is when they (whoever they are) get random little details right.

"May 23 natives have many talents. They may change their plans many times before finally deciding how they want to spend their lives."

These are things Eirinn is known for. Did I mention how many times she's moved since I met her a little over a year ago?

My 15 year old brother is the string bean of the family (the only one). He got it from my mom's side.
His birthday horoscope read:
"Despite their lithe, youthful image, May 29 natives may actually do little to support a healthful lifestyle. They are the sort who can eat all the wrong things yet remain imperiously slim."
WHAT.
He does absolutely nothing to support this image. He is the video gamer. He will definitely be in programming when he grows up.

His whole horoscope was scarily accurate.

But you know who they did not nail, aaat all, was my sister, Andrea.
Her birthday is in October.
I have another friend who's birthday is in October, and the description her birthday horoscope gave of her was also off.
Basically, they just screwed up the month of October.
The stars win some, they lose some, I suppose.

Are you as amused by this as I? Go look yourself up. Report your findings, if you would.
What'd you find out about yourself?
What'd you realize?
Or do you maintain that stuff like this is bull?

I'll check back after I finish checking my 12 daily horoscopes on my phone.

Batman Theater Shooting-- Close to Home

7-20-12

It's a date we in Colorado will probably never forget.

That morning, at 12am, the third Batman movie was released. Midnight premiers-- I've heard they're always a fun time.
My best friend is in town, and another friend of mine invited us to the showing. We went with a couple other friends and my younger brother.
Three hours later, we exited the theater, and saw at least 5 heavily armed police men and their cars, lined up in front of the theater, National Guard style. It was unsettling. I'd never been to a midnight premier. Is this normal? we wondered. No, none of us had ever seen anything like that. We stood outside for a few more moments, talking about the movie, sharing other stories, and glancing over at the police men, speculating about their presence.
What exactly was going on? What did they think was going to happen?
My brother glanced at his phone. "Whaaaat, my dad has called me 4 times." Our dad's a notorious worrier. "I told them I'd be out late. Guess he's working early and saw that I'm not home yet."
 "Yeah, my phone's been dead all night," I said. "Wonder if he's called me to see where you are. I told him I wasn't coming home tonight."
"Yeah, I'll call him back in a bit," my brother said.
We got in our cars and left. I drove my friend back to her house where I planned to stay the night, since I had only a few hours 'til I had to get up for work.
We took our turns brushing our teeth, and I went to the guest room.
My friend walked into the room moments later, holding her phone, wide-eyed.
"Amz," she said. "There was a mass shooting. At a midnight premier of Batman. In Aurora."
I just stared back.
What?

What?

I grabbed my ipod and went to twitter, where I mostly follow news.

I read in disbelief about the shooting that they at first thought had left 14 dead (it's now known to be 12; 10 died in the theater and 2 at local hospitals) and injured at least 50 more (the total number of casualties is now at 71).
The man wore a gas mask, a bullet proof vest, and nearly full-body armor. He entered theater number 9 through the emergency exit, which he'd slipped out and left propped open. He released gasses into the audience, and opened merciless fire. He didn't discriminate based on age or sex. He just slowly made his way up the stairs, firing upon everyone.

I didn't have the capacity to process it all. I fell asleep.

I woke up two hours later and listened to the news during my drive to work.
More details unfolded.
He is 24 year old James Holmes. They'd contacted his mother.
"You've got the right guy," she said.
Chilling.

And then a thought hit me: ten people were still lying dead inside that movie theater.
Ten bodies.
Ten lives immediately snuffed out.
Strewn about where they'd gone to watch a film.
Two more lying in hospital beds, dead.
I started crying.
I felt helpless. There's nothing I can do for them. For their families. For their friends.
Another thought hit me. My brother. If he hadn't been with me that night, he would have probably gone with other friends. What theater would they have chosen? The one we went to was only a half hour away from the Aurora theater.
I wiped tears off my face.
I was late for work, but I sat in the parking lot for just a few extra moments listening for more details.
Why does it help to know?

I walked in to the store. The mood was somber.
My co-worker had also gone to a midnight showing of Batman. She and her friends had gone to the Aurora theater first, but couldn't get tickets.
My other co-worker had also been at another midnight Batman showing, 15 minutes away from where the hellish events unfolded.

Customers were shaking their heads.
"Can't believe this happened."
I was making light conversation with one guy. We were talking about waking up early for work, and I said, "Yeah, doesn't help that I stayed out so late." Told him I went to the movie. He asked how it was. Said it was great, but-- I hesitated. "Do you know... Did you hear what happened?" He shook his head. "What? What happened?"
"The shooting," I continued cautiously.
His eyes widened.
I gave him the details I knew.
It felt weird, but I just... felt like he should know.

Everyone was sharing what they knew.
How they felt.
It helps to talk.
It helps to listen.

How could such a horrific thing happen?
Such an enormous number of victims.

Brothers. Sisters. Mothers. Fathers. Children. Parents. Lovers. Friends.

These are the victims.

A guy who works in my store, J, is dating a girl, K, who works in another of our stores, and I know well enough.
She was in theater 9.
She was sitting in the second row, but she got out.
Her friend was missing, he told me.
A Jane Doe.
Somewhere.
Inside the theater?
They didn't want to think it.
She must be at a hospital, injured.

Today, they found out that she was among the 10 killed inside the theater.

K had called J moments after the shooting. He had been asleep, but woke up after she had left a message.
"Do you want to hear it?" he asked.
I didn't exactly want to hear it; felt like intruding, or something. But he handed me his phone and it was playing.
"J, J," K sobbed. "We're here and I can't... I don't... We can't find Micayla. We can't find her. I'm so scared. Please call me back."

Everybody knows somebody who was there in theater 9.

Columbine.
The Columbine high school massacre.
The other thing people were talking about, sadly remembering.
4-20.
Another date engraved in our minds.

We never imagined we'd see anything like it here again.

How?
People ask.

Why?
They grapple.

I can't.
I can't ask very many questions.
My mind doesn't want to go there.
Partially because I do not think the shooter was or is crazy. He is perfectly sane.
This is just what he wanted to do.
And that... that is not something I want to think about.
I don't understand him.
Every other shooting I can remember ended with the gunman or men taking their own lives.
Why did he wait outside the theater in his car to be captured?
I don't want to know what's going on inside of him.

For lunch on that Friday (yesterday... The days have been so long) I went to the fast food place my sister works in.
She got to take her break, and we ate together.
"Amy... this morning I was so scared. That could have been anywhere. That could happen anywhere. I could have watched my friends and family gunned down. This is a messed up world."
I couldn't say anything.
"And then, Amy, this lady came through the drive-through, and I said her total. And then she said, 'You know what, what's the total for the car behind me? I'll pay for them, too.' And she did. I'd never actually seen anyone do that before. The people in the car behind her were happy, but she doesn't know what she did for me. She restored my faith in humanity."
"Some people," she continued, "wake up and say, 'I'm going to kill some people today.' And some people wake up and say, 'I'm going to buy someone's meal today.'"

At my store I have two police men who come in regularly. They are the greatest guys. They make me laugh so much every time they're in.
On Thursday, the day before the shooting, they entered my store separately. The first man ordered his usual (well, he didn't say it. I just started making it, and my co-worker started ringing it up.), and then realized he'd left his wallet in the squad car. "I'll be right back," he said.
An elderly lady walked up and ordered her drink. "I'd like to pay for that gentleman's coffee, as well," she said.
My co-worker and I were delighted. We absolutely love when people do that.
Moments later, the other officer walked  in, and one of our other regulars, who hadn't even heard what the lady before him did, clapped the officer on the shoulder and said, "Put his order on mine."
I couldn't control my smiles.

And my sister hit the nail on the head. Witnessing such kindness, generosity, and respect is so good for the soul. Paying for the next order seems so trivial, but it is just such an awesome gesture. An indication of love and an acknowledgement of the bond of humanity.

And that still exists.

There are good people.
And there are evil people.
And there are still good people.

What will you do for your fellow human? Your neighbor? The person walking down the street?

Life is short.
Cliche.
But still.
Another thought.

Treasure every moment.
Hug your family.
Cherish your friends.
Make memories.
Love your neighbor as yourself.

Live it up.


Keep the victims, their families, the injured and their families, and all others affected in your thoughts and prayers.

9news local article: Names of victims emerge in theater shooting

Denver Post

Where is the Love?

"Somewhere along the line, we exchanged "They will know you are Christians by your love" for "They will know you are Christians by what you hate". Think about that one for a while and you'll see the sad truth there which society around us has known for a while now. How many times in the past few years have you heard anyone say "You must be a Christian because of your loving actions toward others"? Instead, what we hear more is the mocking "you must be a Christian because you hate homosexual marriage/abortion/Muslims/whatever". So we are now identified not by our love as Jesus told us to be, but by what we DON'T love. It's a sobering thought."

-Darcy

"So, how is work? How do you like their new 'gay' policy? lol," an old acquaintance texted me a few months ago.
"haha, their 'gay' policy?" I replied, bracing myself.
"Ya, they said they would support any bill that said that marriage was not just one man and one woman."
I read it, and shook my head. Another text came through: "It made me never want to go there again."
The ignorance truly saddened me. I do care about this person. I decided to reply with a small thought.
"If you really think about it though, marriage must be really weak if whoever else decides to marry each other affects someone else's marriage. Basically, what's it gonna do to my parents' marriage if Tom and Ed decide to marry? Nothing. I guess my opinion is just that it's not an attack on marriage or anything. And I'm sure we differ there."
"Well the bible is pretty clear about it."
This hurts. I don't... I can't stomach that reply any more. Haven't been able to for the longest time. Using the Bible as the end-all weapon.
"It's clear that gays are attacking other marriages?"
"Not about that they are attacking us but that it is wrong."
Another message popped up: "The death penalty is pretty strong."
That one made me want to cry. The death penalty. It reverberated through my mind.
I wasn't even angry. Just truly saddened. And jolted, yet at the same time not surprised in the least.
"Would you institute the death penalty for gays? As soon as we start using one religion to govern the land, that opens the door for people to suppress and/or punish our religion and beliefs. That is exactly why America was born-- so that everyone could do what they want freely, so long as it doesn't harm others. You can disagree with other people, and that's okay. But I don't want anyone telling me what I can and can't believe, or what I can and can't do by law, if it doesn't affect or harm others."
The person replied, "You are right American was born for freedom of religion. We obviously differ in political and biblical views."
"Freedom of religion for everyone, that's the key," I pounded away on my qwerty board. "If you can say that you're (the general sense of "you") more right and can make everyone follow your standards, what's to stop someone else from doing the same to you?
Murder, stealing, etc, these are things that harm other people. That's what our American laws are here for-- to protect people from harm. Gays don't harm other people.
My Biblical view is to do as Jesus did."

We wrapped up the conversation. The person closed, "I love all people. I minister to many sinners (including gays) and pray I can reach them for Christ!"

I've written a few times about the "Wow, I was you, once" feeling.

That interaction was the first real time I had made my opinion on the subject known to anyone outside my family.

But that's not even what I want this post to be about.

My biggest question is:

Where is the love?
Christians really have, as a general population, exchanged love for hate without even realizing it.

To "love" is to say, "You are disgusting. You are filthy. You are absolutely worthless. You are not lovable. You deserve hell."

We've been taught that these kinds of speech and actions are "loving," despite every other definition of love that we know and feel.

We've been taught to hate ourselves.

We've been told that we are disgusting, filthy, maggoty, Gollum creatures.
We've been told that we need to live remembering this daily.
We beat up on ourselves.
We are to crawl around on our hands and knees-- disgusting for who we are, for what we feel, for what we think.
We're taught to deny ourselves real happiness.
Everything about us is wrong: our feelings, our thoughts, our wants and desires--simply because they are our own.
It's evil. It's "fleshly."

How can we love others as we love ourselves, if we cannot love ourselves?
If we cannot celebrate how God created each of us, if we have to stamp out every "unapproved" (by the "correct" authorities) feeling, thought, aspect of our personalities, if we are not allowed to be happy, how can we project anything other than negative sentiments on to the rest of the world?

We want to give the same message we give to ourselves:
"God hates that."

It's a perverted definition of love. Try as you may to get around it, you cannot say that treating a person (including yourself!) this way is "loving" at all.

Even according to this popular definition, that you might recognize:

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

That doesn't sound like a prescription for telling a person that they're utterly horrible.

It's hard for me to bring to Bible into anything anymore, because I'm verrry well aware that a person can make it say whatever they would like. And even a beautiful definition of love might be re-worked to fit the "proper" mindset.

Another thing Christians hide behind is this sentiment: "Well, Jesus did say the world would hate us. They are the one that won't tolerate us."

Actually, no, that's not the case. As hypocritical as it is, since I would have used a similar line, I lose a lot of respect for people who feel that way. Why play the victim?
All the world wants from us is respect and decency.
Because Christians who go around telling everyone else that they are horrible, are being just the opposite-- disrespectful and indecent.
And that does degenerate quite quickly into hate.
Hate that spurs a sixteen year old boy, whose family are very strong Christians, to comment on a photo featuring a message about gay rights, "God hates faggots."

"Love the sinner, hate the sin," they say.

I call bullshit.

It's like saying... "Love the pet, hate the species," or something. Ha. Anybody have a better analogy?

The funny thing is, Jesus didn't say anything like that. He just said to love.
To befriend the tax collectors.
To protect the prostitutes.
To love them all.


I've had this playing on a loop almost the whole time I wrote this-- you know, for inspiration.



At one point, I was overcome by the beat and had to have a short dance session. By myself. 
"Oh no! Amy, don't make me dance with you! No! Why did I have to come upstairs at this moment!" yelped my 12 year old brother. "I just wanted to get a drink!"
But the lyrics are pretty powerful, as well.

♩ ♪ ♫ ♬ 
What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma

Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK

But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah

Madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love (The love)
Where is the love, the love, the love

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace are so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong

Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone

So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin' in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover

The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the truth, y'all, come on (I don't know)
Where's the love, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

Where is the love (The love)?
Where is the love (The love)?
Where is the love, the love, the love?

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction

Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema

Yo', what ever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead of spreading love we're spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading us away from unity

That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found
Now ask yourself

Where is the love?
Where is the love?
Where is the love?
Where is the love?

Father, Father, Father, help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love?

Settling: The Dead Horse

Alright, folks.
Maybe I've already exhausted the subject and I'm beating a dead horse. But it's my blog, right?
And I just have a few more thoughts on this that I didn't squeeze into my last post.

So here's another piece on "settling".

By the way, I've gotten more blog hits from so many crazy variations of searches about settling than anything else, I think.
Some have me giggling. "Does nice girl eventually settle for nice guy?" "When does girl settle for good guy?" Poor guy. I can just imagine him typing into his search bar. Dejectedly?
Other gems include:
- "Christian women over 40 don't have to settle"
- "Christian guys finish last"
- "Christian women have to settle"
- "Women settling for wrong things"
- "Women settle for nice guy in the end"
(Some of my favorites are unrelated: "Do christian guys do things differently than non-christian men"; "When attracting a real decent christisn man. should i wear skirts or jeans"; "Where in proverbs 31 does it say get out of my face")

Survey Says: Settle?
I keep seeing all these articles about settling.
Urging Christian brothers and sisters to set aside some of their ideals and just get married, already.

Kevin, in the comments in my last post, pointed out yet another one. This one is called Brother, You're Like a Six.

Before I jump all over these articles, like I love to do, I have one big question:

Why?
Why this huge push to just choose someone and make it work? To what end?
To what end is all this encouragement?
Why is marriage something that just has to be done?

All these articles make it out like it's the exact same way we treat our jobs.
Of course we all want our dream job. But not everyone gets it. We don't always get to be the writer, the painter, the singer, the composer, the CEO, the dancer, the athlete-- even if we're amazing at it. And why? Well, we've got to make it in life. You need money, and to get money you have to have a job. And so you settle. You get the best job you can. The hope is that you'll enjoy it, but we can't always have jobs we love.

Is that how marriage is? You have to just find something that will at least work and that you'll mostly enjoy... For what? It's not for money, like it is when you have to just choose a job.
What is the impetus for just choosing a marriage?

Hello, Dear Diary. Let's talk Love & Marriage.

So the times have changed. Marriage has evolved.
Charlotte doesn’t have to settle for Mr. Collins if she doesn’t want to.

Charlotte doesn’t have to settle for Mr. Collins if she doesn’t want to.
I keep thinking about this.

Marriage is a whole different and new animal, nowadays.
It’s seen many changes over the centuries-- over the past few decades, even.

“In 1955,” reads an entry on howstuffworks, “Frank Sinatra recorded the song "Love and Marriage,"
in which he informed us that the two titular subjects go together like a horse and carriage. By Frank's era, that was true -- humans were on the search for soul mates that would serve as lovers, co-parents and best friends. But for most of human history, marriage wasn’t a very romantic institution. It was more akin to a business deal between men, and the bride in question had very few rights or other options. Love has never been out of the question for our ancestors; they just didn't always believe that such a thing could be found within marital bonds.”




Love. Only the deepest of love will persuade me to matrimony.

There are so many reasons a person might get married. Political, social, or familial reasons. Security. To reproduce for society.
These reasons still exist today, but love is a reason, too-- and for maybe the first time, we’re free to marry for love and love alone.

I’ve been thinking lately; I don’t picture myself married anytime soon.
I don’t.

I don’t know why.
I think part of it is that I don’t have a sense of duty about it.
Should I?
Should I feel bad about this?

From Stacy McDonald to Guys: You Better Marry These Holy Girls or Else

The following is titled “An Open Letter to Conservative Christian Guys.” It was written by Stacy McDonald. If you know anything about her, you’ll be super excited to read this. *cough*
I saw this because she tagged a bunch of guys I knew in this note on Facebook about a year and a half ago.
(That's how long I sit on blog posts. ha.)
I have no problems with re-publishing it in its entirety here, since she urged everyone to pass it along.
And she is definitely getting credit!

by Stacy McDonald on Saturday, August 7, 2010

"I have seen among the simple, I have perceived among the youths, a young man lacking sense…" (Proverbs 7:7, ESV)

[I received the following email from a young lady who would like to remain anonymous. I recently gave a talk at our ladies tea on the topic of chastity. My husband rightly pointed out that the young men need to "get it" too. I heartily agree. They also need to listen to their parents and consider Proverbs 7 and Proverbs 31 when looking for a wife.

We are praying that God would raise up an army of faithful, godly young men who are ready and deserving of the faithful young women who have diligently prepared for them. Grow up. Or you'll live to regret it. Please pass this on to all the Christian young men you know.]

An Open Letter to Conservative Christian Guys
From a Conservative Christian Young Woman
Struggling to Remain Modest, Pure, and Content

I know that every family has different standards. They have different convictions that the Lord has put upon

On Settling, Nice Guys Who Finish Last, and Why I Won't Fall for Your "Godly" Character Traits

Yet another post from the drafts archive that I pulled and made myself finally finish, sort of.

I saw this in a forum I snoop around sometimes a few months ago:

I think women and men sometimes reject members of the opposite sex because they are valuing the wrong qualities, and not appreciating the right qualities. People often wait to get married for a very long time, because they are searching for the perfect man or woman who will not only be extremely good looking, but also charming, witty, wealthy, and morally perfect. Ok...this is just a BIT exaggerated , but people do value the wrong things too often. I don't know how many times I have heard people say, "We just don't have chemistry" or "I'm just not attracted." Well, I would say, do you have a good reason to not be attracted? If [your] only excuse is that he or she is shorter than you, or he or she is not as charismatic as you would like, then maybe those are shallow reasons for rejecting someone. Also, we should be attracted to our future spouses, but I think that if a person has good character, then why shouldn't we be attracted to their character? I have found in the past, that the most average and normal looking people can become absolutely beautiful/handsome if they have good character. 

This is a sentiment I hear repeated over and over in the Christian community. “Look at their character! You’ll be attracted to their beautiful character.”
And sure, it seems harmless and sound enough, but where and when are emotions ever allowed?

Oh, that’s right, they’re not.

Christianity is all about denying oneself. That’s all fine and dandy when it means not being just plain selfish, and loving your neighbor as yourself, but it’s become extremely unhealthy in so many ways.

We’re taught to deny ourselves real happiness.
The problem, we’re told, is that our definition of happiness is wrong. We don’t have the right feelings. Our feelings are wrong (and need to be re-interpreted and redefined by the "biblical" authorities). Our desires are wrong, simply because they are our own desires.
Personal happiness can never be a good thing when you’re supposed to be in constant denial.
Happiness is too worldly. It’s too fleshly.
(And abusers can't control it. If you have a sense of self, and of happiness outside of their rules, what do they have?)