From Stacy McDonald to Guys: You Better Marry These Holy Girls or Else

The following is titled “An Open Letter to Conservative Christian Guys.” It was written by Stacy McDonald. If you know anything about her, you’ll be super excited to read this. *cough*
I saw this because she tagged a bunch of guys I knew in this note on Facebook about a year and a half ago.
(That's how long I sit on blog posts. ha.)
I have no problems with re-publishing it in its entirety here, since she urged everyone to pass it along.
And she is definitely getting credit!

by Stacy McDonald on Saturday, August 7, 2010

"I have seen among the simple, I have perceived among the youths, a young man lacking sense…" (Proverbs 7:7, ESV)

[I received the following email from a young lady who would like to remain anonymous. I recently gave a talk at our ladies tea on the topic of chastity. My husband rightly pointed out that the young men need to "get it" too. I heartily agree. They also need to listen to their parents and consider Proverbs 7 and Proverbs 31 when looking for a wife.

We are praying that God would raise up an army of faithful, godly young men who are ready and deserving of the faithful young women who have diligently prepared for them. Grow up. Or you'll live to regret it. Please pass this on to all the Christian young men you know.]

An Open Letter to Conservative Christian Guys
From a Conservative Christian Young Woman
Struggling to Remain Modest, Pure, and Content

I know that every family has different standards. They have different convictions that the Lord has put upon
their hearts, and different likes and dislikes, unique styles and tastes. Christian fathers differ on plenty of things too. Therefore, the way each father leads his family varies. But, sometimes things that are clearly against the teachings of the Bible, get veiled under the “our own standards” cloak.

I don’t have a problem with girls wearing pants. I don’t have a problem with girls wearing only skirts. I don’t have a problem with stylish clothes, jewelry, makeup, or fashion—I wear these things. What I do have a problem with is girls who purposefully flaunt themselves in front of young men, especially since one of them could very well be my future husband - and I have a huge problem with the guys who fall them.
I don’t plan on compromising my standards. I’m certainly not saying, “If you don’t stop acting like a bunch of Gentiles (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5), I’m going to join you.” By God’s grace, I am committed to controlling my physical desires, rather than walking “in passion of lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God…" (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5)

So why do I dress and behave as I do? Why do I avoid defrauding you by flirting with you and tempting you to sin? Why don’t I enjoy your attention by lowering myself…by flaunting my body? God’s Word tells me that I was created for better things than this—and so were you. I have a husband out there somewhere who will appreciate my faithfulness.

"Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies." (Proverbs 31:10)

“Women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety and moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing…” (1 Timothy 2:9-10)

"To be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed." (Titus 2:5)
"That our daughters may be as pillars, sculptured in palace style…" (Psalm 144:12)

I pray he’s being just as faithful.

I don’t want to be like the woman in Proverbs 7 who selfishly flatters and entices men. I want to cause only one man to desire me- and that is my future husband.

Maybe it’s just me, but I find it really discouraging when I see a girl in tight jeans, a skin-tight shirt, and a flirtatious attitude walk into the room and my brothers in Christ, those “conservative, Christian (and yes, even homeschooled) young men" flock to her side. They tease, flirt, and boost her ego (which encourages her to keep it up) by giving this girl every ounce of their attention.

"To keep you from the evil woman, From the flattering tongue of a seductress. Do not lust after her beauty in your heart, Nor let her allure you with her eyelids." (Proverbs 6:24-25)

Meanwhile, girls like me who dress modestly sit in the background, wondering if it’s all worth it (by the way, I'm not talking denim sacks and tennis shoes - I dress attractively). I’ve been faithful to my family, I’ve worked hard to develop my homemaking skills, I’ve studied hard, I’ve remained pure, and I’ve prepared myself for motherhood.

Yet, sometimes I find myself tempted to wonder how I’ll ever get married if I don’t throw out a little “bait.” I don’t plan to do this, but I’m being frank about some of the struggles we Christian girls face.

I’ve read the Modesty Survey by the Harris boys and I’ve listened to young men beg young women to dress modestly. Well, I heard you, guys, and I loved you enough to comply. So, why can’t you take your eyes off the girl in the tight jeans? Get a grip.

What do you think these sorts of actions communicate to us? What does it say to Christian girls who are striving to honor the Lord? Girls who have been faithful at home, preparing for…well, for you? I’ll tell you. It shows us what you truly value: How a girl looks; how much of her body she flaunts; that you don’t value modesty; and that what we’ve been striving to do (help you guard your eyes) is totally unappreciated.
Recently, I found it very hurtful when someone at church made a comment to me about how “dorky” it was to wear only skirts. I replied, “I wear pants when the situation calls for it, but my father prefers me to wear skirts, so that is what you’ll usually see me in. I’m honoring my father, so why ridicule me? Why not encourage me?

I’m also wondering why so many of you are going outside of your own churches to pursue girls who are weak and worldly in their walk with the Lord—girls who, based on their current lifestyle choices, may not even want to homeschool your children. I’ve heard some of you excuse your attachments to these girls—girls who reject all that your parents hold dear, by insisting you will “change her” or you will “teach her.”

I always thought this was something that only girls dealt with (wanting to “change” the “bad boy”) – but no! It’s happening to guys too! It’s happening all around me every day – Christian young men who seem to want a girl who is “cool” and who shows off her body.

But I have to ask you a question. Do you really believe that the girl who flirts and flaunts herself while she’s single, will suddenly become the virtuous woman of Proverbs 31 if she marries you? I’m afraid too many men have learned the hard way that this isn’t how it works.

Just because a girl is a Christian doesn’t mean she will be faithful after marriage – perhaps she won’t be unfaithful physically, but what about emotionally? Don’t you see how dangerous this is? The fact that so many beautiful, faithful, Christian girls are being ignored and passed up is shameful—and for such fleshly reasons!

I'm weary of it. Stop loving what is "cool" and start loving what is "holy." (1 Peter 1:13-16) If you’re having trouble discerning who would and who would not make a good wife, why don't you ask your father for help? Listen to his council and don't stop your ears to his words. "My son, pay attention to my wisdom; lend your ear to my understanding," (Proverbs 5:1) "Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies." (Proverbs 31:10)

Please, young men, look past the flirty girls. Look for a young woman who will be faithful to you all the days of her life. Look for a young woman who will honor you, love and nurture your children, and make your house a haven—a woman who you can safely trust in.

"The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life." (Proverbs 31:11-12)

Look at her heart. I know that’s so cliché, but it’s true. Look at who she is. Look at how she honors her father, how she treats her siblings, how she communicates with other young men, the way she carries herself.

Please, for the sake of the girls out there who are striving to honor the Lord—the girls who have worked hard to remain faithful, and who long to get married, don’t forget about us—for the sake of your family, your future, and your children; but, most of all, for the sake of your God.

Please pass this on to all the Christian young men you know. And, please, if you have a moment, write a note of encouragement for this faithful young lady, and for those like her.

* * * * *

I gagged and gaped in disbelief the entire time I read this.

I have no idea who this anonymous girl is, but I have a pretty clear picture of her character.
Whether she likes it or not, the truth is that she is horribly, horribly arrogant.
“Stop loving what is “cool,” and start loving what is holy-- ME.”
“Ask your fathers who would make a good wife-- it’d be ME, whether you see it or not.”
She is already trying to control her future husband. Think that’s gonna stop once she’s married?
But, I also feel very sorry for her. She feels so helpless. The teachings she’s been raised with (and loves) are so contradictory. I would be even more frustrated and angry than this if I were her.

The letter itself, though, reflects what I’ve found to be common thoughts among “modest”, stay at home daughter types like her, sadly enough.

I’ve picked out a few lines that jumped out at me.

First, we start with Ms. McDonald’s introduction and this verse:
"I have seen among the simple, I have perceived among the youths, a young man lacking sense…" (Proverbs 7:7, ESV)

First of all, I already had a dislike of Stacy McDonald for several reasons. And then she does stuff like quote this verse to open, implying that she has all this wisdom and has perceived so much-- annoying.
She once visited our former “church.” After the service there was always a group of kids who would play four-square outside in the same place every week. She decided to stand a few feet away from the game that had already begun, and then shot some extremely dirty looks and made some mean comments about the kids when the ball bounced towards her. Just get outta the way, lady. Stand somewhere else. Let the kids have their fun.
So this whole little epistle burned me even more than if I had not known who she was at all.

They also need to listen to their parents and consider Proverbs 7 and Proverbs 31 when looking for a wife.

It’s allll about the power, isn’t it? They need to listen to their parents.
If you are raising sons who are so stupid that they can’t make decisions, such as who would be a good wife for himself, somewhere, you’ve gone horribly, horribly wrong.
I don’t even want to waste time going down the rabbit trail of when you should and shouldn’t listen to your parents. Why is it rocket science? Just as it would be stupid, in most cases, to always disregard the words of a parent, it’d be equally stupid to put their word above all else.
But with statements like Stacy’s, you can’t help but realize how roundabout everything is.
If guys don’t listen to their parents, they won’t pick out the girls who are doing the “godly” things, following the “right” systems and obeying their parents. If the guys aren’t forced to pick out those girls, then those girls won’t want to be part of that system and under the thumb. Then where does that leave the parents and the pastors? With no one obeying them! Powerless.

Grow up. Or you'll live to regret it.

Oh no, Stacy, you’ll live to regret this.
Haha.
But, seriously? Why add some threats in there?
Ohhh right, right, because all the girls you’ve crippled with your teachings of staying at home need husbands in order to be fulfilled, and now in order to survive, in a lot of ways.
The nerve.
And again, gotta make sure to hold on to that power.

And now, we jump into the anonymous letter.

An Open Letter to Conservative Christian Guys
From a Conservative Christian Young Woman
Struggling to Remain Modest, Pure, and Content

The title. I love how they have to add “conservative” in front of Christian all the time as a qualifier.
God forbid some one is more liberal than not.
I do feel bad for this girl. I wouldn’t be just struggling at this point; I’d be going crazy if I was still trying to be content under those teachings.
The truly sad part is that “discontent” is a capital crime in these circles. So it’s a vicious circle. The girls are down, under all the pressure from these ridiculous, unfounded ideas that are presented as God’s Law. And then they feel guilty for feeling bad. It’s disturbing. There is no freedom of self, no freedom to just be.

I know that every family has different standards. They have different convictions that the Lord has put upon their hearts, and different likes and dislikes, unique styles and tastes. Christian fathers differ on plenty of things too. Therefore, the way each father leads his family varies.
But, sometimes things that are clearly against the teachings of the Bible, get veiled under the “our own standards” cloak.

Like? The Bible is not a clear book. How can you believe that you have all the knowledge?

I don’t have a problem with girls wearing pants. I don’t have a problem with girls wearing only skirts. I don’t have a problem with stylish clothes, jewelry, makeup, or fashion—I wear these things. What I do have a problem with is girls who purposefully flaunt themselves in front of young men, especially since one of them could very well be my future husband - and I have a huge problem with the guys who fall them.

This girl assumes the worst of every other girl. I highly, highly doubt the girls she has in mind are even “purposefully flaunting” themselves. Are they wearing bikinis and dancing on table tops or something? “To flaunt” is to parade and make an ostentatious display. I can just imagine that the girls she feels are flaunting, are only different from her in their behavior. And that would be that they are able to have normal interactions with guys. Maybe they have real friendships. Maybe these girls are able to joke around with guys.
My sister once made an observation that in those circles, you’re not allowed to be “too pretty.” And it doesn’t even have to do with what you wear. (More on this later? Andrea? Write about it?)

… especially since one of them could very well be my future husband

If I could speak to her, I would tell her that she has to stop thinking in terms like that. How many guys does this “potential future husband” thing reach to? Or is it one guy in particular? (And does he know about this?) And how will she be able to handle when women even walk in front of her real husband once she is married? She is going to drive herself off the deep end.
… and I have a huge problem with the guys who fall [for] them.

Well then, get over it. He’s obviously not worth your time if you feel like that. YOU can’t CONTROL him.

So why do I dress and behave as I do? Why do I avoid defrauding you by flirting with you and tempting you to sin? Why don’t I enjoy your attention by lowering myself…by flaunting my body?

Touched on a nerve. “Defraud.”
Defraud: cheat somebody: to deprive somebody of money or property by dishonest means.
How are you cheating guys by flirting? How are you being dishonest? What are you depriving them of? Oh, sex? Your body? It’s their property? Is that what you’re getting at?
Stop it.
You are lowering yourself more than you can imagine.

I don’t want to be like the woman in Proverbs 7 who selfishly flatters and entices men. I want to cause only one man to desire me- and that is my future husband.

What happens if more than just your husband falls for you? Some guys miiight just see you and think you’re nice. Then what?
And at what point is it okay for a guy to want you? Once he’s put the ring on your finger or what?

Maybe it’s just me, but I find it really discouraging when I see a girl in tight jeans, a skin-tight shirt, and a flirtatious attitude walk into the room and my brothers in Christ, those “conservative, Christian (and yes, even homeschooled) young men" flock to her side. They tease, flirt, and boost her ego (which encourages her to keep it up) by giving this girl every ounce of their attention.

Okay. I don’t even… I’m just sorta rubbing my forehead right now.
She needs to be shown what real flirting looks like. And what friendships and fun interactions look like.
It’s funny because I look at this, and I feel like she could be talking about me.
My best friend just moved to San Francisco. I drove out with her. As we were driving, I was like, “You know what, when I go back, it’s gonna be just me.” She said, “Yeah, haha, I was just thinking about that. You’ll be the only girl in the group.”
My friend and I just click better with guys. I go places, and it’s the guys I make friends with. We laugh and joke and have good times. And I can just imagine how it looks when I’m out with them. Or when I go see them somewhere and it’s a group of guys around me. They’re my friends.
This girl has no idea what she’s witnessing. And she’s judging it all based on the girl’s appearance. So hypocritical.

Meanwhile, girls like me who dress modestly sit in the background, wondering if it’s all worth it (by
the way, I'm not talking denim sacks and tennis shoes - I dress attractively). I’ve been faithful to my family, I’ve worked hard to develop my homemaking skills, I’ve studied hard, I’ve remained pure, and I’ve prepared myself for motherhood.

I’m sorry for you. So sorry.

Yet, sometimes I find myself tempted to wonder how I’ll ever get married if I don’t throw out a little “bait.”

Well, you won’t. Why would a guy want to place a ring upon the finger of a girl who hasn’t given him anything to indicate she cares at all? Why would he pursue at all to begin with if he has no reassurance from you that it’s worth it?
Would you pursue you?

Recently, I found it very hurtful when someone at church made a comment to me about how “dorky” it was to wear only skirts. I replied, “I wear pants when the situation calls for it, but my father prefers me to wear skirts, so that is what you’ll usually see me in. I’m honoring my father, so why ridicule me? Why not encourage me?

Why ridicule and put down the girls who are wearing jeans, such as you have throughout your entire letter? You can harshly judge that lifestyle based on clothing, but when someone makes a comment about the look of your clothing, it's hurtful?
I’m also wondering why so many of you are going outside of your own churches to pursue girls who are weak and worldly in their walk with the Lord—girls who, based on their current lifestyle choices, may not even want to homeschool your children.

Who the hell are you to judge whether another girl’s walk with the Lord is weak or strong? It sounds as if she’s a stranger to you. You’ve judged from a far off. Based most likely solely on her tight jeans.
And I also like how the standard is wanting to homeschool children.
It goes back to the title, where she put “conservative” in front of Christian. She should add “homeschooling.” Those are the real Christians, right?

I’ve heard some of you excuse your attachments to these girls—girls who reject all that your parents hold dear, by insisting you will “change her” or you will “teach her.”

Here’s a thought-- maybe he’s not trying to change or “teach” her. Maybe she’s exactly what he wants. And here's something else crazy-- that's not a bad thing.

Just because a girl is a Christian doesn’t mean she will be faithful after marriage – perhaps she won’t be unfaithful physically, but what about emotionally? Don’t you see how dangerous this is? The fact that so many beautiful, faithful, Christian girls are being ignored and passed up is shameful—and for such fleshly reasons!

It’s shameful that you’re trying to guilt guys into marrying you!

I'm weary of it. Stop loving what is "cool" and start loving what is "holy."

“Me. Obviously”

If you’re having trouble discerning who would and who would not make a good wife, why don't you ask your father for help? Listen to his council and don't stop your ears to his words.

Again. Wow. What a power play.
And if he needs his father to tell him to marry you, you shouldn’t want him.

Please, young men, look past the flirty girls. Look for a young woman who will be faithful to you all the days of her life. Look for a young woman who will honor you, love and nurture your children, and make your house a haven—a woman who you can safely trust in.

Good advice. Now leave them be. Let them choose. And don’t be disappointed when the girls who are those things don’t look exactly the way you want them to, and even worse, aren't you.

Please, for the sake of the girls out there who are striving to honor the Lord—the girls who have worked hard to remain faithful, and who long to get married, don’t forget about us—for the sake of your family, your future, and your children; but, most of all, for the sake of your God.

Hahaha, I must have missed this earlier. “For the sake of your God”? What?
“Marry me or my friend for the sake of God!”

This is quite a sloppy post as per usual, but I wanted to finally get this out there.
Thoughts? What stood out to you?
What would you say to this girl?
Or the “conservative Christian” guys at whom this was targeted?

I’m sure I came across harsh.
I mostly feel sorry for these girls. I’ve come to a point, though, where I’ve realized that I can’t convince anyone of anything. I’ll talk it through with anyone who wants. Only those who want to listen will hear.
But when girls like this come out of the woodwork, demanding that everyone else conform, that’s where my tolerance ends.